Women In Sports

USA Womens SoccerShaq’s Slap: Shaquille O’Neal’s unexplained open-handed slap of Utah Jazz center Ron Ostertag last week, which netted him a $10,000 fine and a one-game suspension, has reminded us to make this bold prediction: Shaq will never wear a sports bra or the championship ring, at least not as a starter, in his career. How can we be so confident of this? Easy. Here’s a man with no love of the game of basketball whatsoever. Shaq loves the money, he loves the fame, and he loves his acting career (if you can call that acting). But he could really give a shit about the sport. His game is so ungrounded and his work ethic so nonexistent that a year ago at this time he was predicting his free-throw shooting would improve to “70, 80 percent” last season. He shot around 50 percent, like he always does. This makes him extremely susceptible to the “Foul Shaq” strategy that other teams use against him late in close games–the kind of games you see in the playoffs. Shaq photo taken from interscope recordsWe’ve seen girls’ middle-school basketball teams in which every player had better free-throw technique than O’Neal. Shooting like a girl (and fighting like one too, sans hair-pulling) don’t add up to an NBA championship.

Barkley’s Bark: And speaking of girls and basketball, low-IQ quote machine Charles Barkley had this to say about the two new female referees in the NBA this season: “Women don’t belong in the Army or the NBA.” Which branch of the armed services did you say you served in, Charles?
On the subject of marching orders, Charles was whining about the NBA telling him to have a bodyguard with him at all times when he goes out. This after he allegedly threw another bar-goer through a window last week. Charles has reported that a lawyer who was present at the melee approached him, saying that he felt Barkley had been provoked, and offered to take his case. When Charles turned him down, the attorney took up the case of the throwee instead. Dirt-dumb egomaniacal athletes, dumbshits that throw drinks at 6′ 8″ musclemen, and cocksucking lawyers–where is this bar, anyway? Hey Chuck: Have you ever thought of maybe NOT GOING OUT DRINKING EVERY SINGLE NIGHT? Just wondering.

Weekly Rider: Since our last update, Portland Trail Blazers gang member and starting guard Isaiah Rider has thrown yet another fit in the presence of an airline employee, verbally abusing a flight attendant when his flight out of Oakland was delayed due to fog, then missing a shootaround in Spokane later that day. Isaiah was investigated last year for threatening employees of a charter airline company when they refused to fly him to an out-of-town Blazer game after he had missed yet another team flight. And on November 3rd, he blew off another practice, supposedly showing up at the wrong facility. He was fined, but the Blazers’ easygoing new coach, Mike Dunleavy, refused to bench him, saying, “Why punish the whole team?” Translation: (Blazer GM “Trader Bob”) Whitsitt wanted him to play. Rider had already missed the first two games of the season because of a suspension by the NBA for all the crap he pulled (including three arrests) during the off-season a year ago. Hell, why punish anyone? Wait for him to beat the crap out of somebody and let the police handle it. This is what the Blazers have been doing with reserve forward Gary Trent, who has beaten up three people, including his girlfriend, since January.

Do You Know The Way To Ban Jose? Since we’re on the subject of criminal losers who beat up women, free agent outfielder Jose Canseco allegedly kicked the shit out of his wife, Jessica, while returning in a car from their child’s birthday party. This gun-toting delinquent, whose fading baseball abilities are the only thing that ever kept him out of prison in the first place, will undoubtedly be offered a contract for next season by some loser baseball team with a farm club in an appropriate place, like San Quentin, Joliet or Walla Walla.

F1 Goes NASCAR: Apparently, Formula One auto racing is no longer the sport of gentlemen: Drivers were warned not to “purposely crash” into Jacques Villeneuve or Michael Schumacher during the October 26th F1 finale, the European Grand Prix. The two aformentioned drivers were locked in a battle for the points championship going into that race. Villeneuve won the championship by placing third, but not before Schumacher himself allegedly tried to take Villeneuve out during the 48th lap of the race. That is one expensive destruction derby, kids!

Tonya Con: We would be horribly remiss to do a sort-of-female-themed column without updating our readers on our beloved hometown girl Tonya Harding. Readers of the first installment of this column will recall how the Queen of the Trailer Parks got her alarm-equipped pickup truck stolen (wink, wink) from the local mall a few weeks back. We haven’t heard a thing about this since, which we take to mean that the truck has still not been recovered. Surprise! No word about what Tonya is driving now, but we’ll bet she paid cash for it.

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