Monica Lewinsky Thru Zac’s eye

By Zac Elston

So you su*ked the presidential di*k, what are you going to do now? Disney? Hollywood Squares? Guess hosting Entertainment Tonight (will they insure your lips for 2 million like Mary Heart’s Legs?) or maybe a weekly news column on the state of sex practices in America today?

On the drive to work today I fantasized about a conversation with Ms. Lewinsky. The City Paper here in DC already had one of their staff reporters give a tell all detail of their date one night so I won’t even pretend to put things in her mouth. Nor will I misrepresent her in any way, but none the less I still wonder what would happen if I met Ms. Lewinsky and she was forthcoming about certain details.

I guess my first question would be if she got anything in return? Is the President a caring man–soft but firm –or is he a backwood closet sex freak who doesn’t understand the principle of sharing? That would certainly influence my vote more then his international policy. Knowing that the leader of your country likes to get blown doesn’t phase me a bit. I’m glad he’s normal and can express his desires. Hillary Clinton doesn’t exactly present a very sexual attitude so maybe Bill is a little hard up. Then again, maybe he’s ruined her trust one too many times to get in the First Beaver. What would bother me is if he didn’t kiss her or used sex as a force to control the women around him. It is good to be the king, but you have to give some back.

If Bill were known for being a master in bed and sharing and understanding and communication I would certainly vote for him.

Second, I would have to satisfy some morbid curiosity about how Bill likes it. Does he like a two handed grip? What about his balls cupped or massaged? Does he practice good hygiene? Does Bill communicate what he likes or is he silent? Knowing these answers might make me slightly uncomfortable, but I think I would feel some connection to Bill as another male. Oral stimulation of the genitals is a very special act. Our mouths are very personal to us and we only put things in there that we like or trust. If Ms. Lewinsky could like or trust Bill. Jr. then I might trust Bill Sr. as a man.

I think this is what was missing from any president. Human Nature. We all know sex tells us a lot about an individual. How one person likes to be treated in bed, and how they treat someone else in bed tell us more about the inner psychology of that individual then countless press conferences and debates. Given the choice of a leader who likes to penetrate and push verses one who works the entire system to produce a mind blowing orgasm, I’ll take the second one.

So, if you think you have what it takes to be a leader, start with yourself and tell us something personal. It’s nice to have heroes in life.

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