pop culture, reviewed

Okay, I am at my parents’ house for Christmas already, but I had to take a break from my family-visiting and poodle-wrangling because oh my gosh, poor little Jamie-Lynn Spears has sure enough gone and let her sixteen-year-old self get pregnant.  I think you will all join me in a loud, sighing, “Bless her heart.”  Oh, bless. 

 In other news, I am sure that one of these days — hopefully soon?  but maybe not because I’m busy/lazy? — Jake and I will post some Best 0f 2007 lists.  I won’t speak for my sweet husband (who joins me here on Thursday! The dogs aren’t the only ones who miss him!) but this half of our little family had a really excellent 2007.  My reading was way, way down from last year (65ish as opposed to 115, ouch) and so far I don’t have a runaway favorite film of the year (maybe because I still haven’t seen No Country for Old Men OR Atonement OR Juno), but we listened to a ton of good music and saw a ton of good shows… so like I said, we’ll address all that later, in another post.  Soon.  One day.  I promise.  I have lots of relatives to visit and babies to hold and lemon-poppyseed bread to eat over the next few days.

… that Britney would come out at the VMAs without her weave, rocking her shaved head.  That would have been bad ass. 

Instead?  Instead she came out with terror in her eyes, practically counting her dance steps as she prayed not to fall.  Bless her heart.  Oh, bless her heart.    

Let’s start with American Idol.   I just sat through all two hours of the final twelve male contestants, and a lot of them were so boring that I have already forgotten them.  I remember Sundance, Beatbox Boy, the Cute Little Gay Indian Boy, Barefoot Asian Guy, Sassy Jack Osbourne from Greenville, and Cueball.  The others were fairly indistinguishable.  I liked that Beatbox Boy sang Keane.  Other highlights were mostly from the interview portions, like how that one guy said he works “in the restaurant industry.”  It’s okay, buddy.  You can say you’re a waiter.  Ain’t no shame in being a waiter.  Kellie Pickler was a roller-skating Sonic girl, and she’s doing alright, even if her jailbird daddy is trying to sell off her baby toys on eBay.  It’s like when Eric on Entourage says he used to “manage an Italian restaurant” and Ari’s all, “Dude, you worked at Sbarro.”  

Anyway, I also liked how that other guy who also tried out last year is apparently kind of S-L-O-W, and could only form one-word answers, and basically all the judges admitted that he was so S-L-O-W that just remembering the words to his song was a major victory. 

I also liked how Simon is no longer even pretending that Paula contributes to the show.  He’s over it.   Tonight Paula was like, “But Simon, I liked it,” and Simon’s just like, “But you don’t count, Paula.”

Now, moving on.  Let’s discuss this new movie of Billy Bob Thornton, the one where he’s a farmer, except he’s also building a rocket in his backyard?  Someone help me out here.  How did this happen?  Is this a children’s movie?  It seems like it must be, but it’s not really marketed that way.  It’s marketed as a drama for normal people who are supposed to view this crazy farmer building a spaceship as a heartwarming inspiration.  I’m just sort of at a loss.  I’ve always loved Billy Bob Thornton, even when he used to wear Angie’s blood around his neck, even when he got scary manorexic-looking, even though he is apparently sort of nuts.  I think he’s awesome.  I think he’s beyond awesome, actually.  I think Sling Blade is a nearly perfect movie.  Heck, I even bought his album when it came out.  So the apparently serious famer rocketman movie has me sort of stumped.  It reminds me of the crazy guy in South Carolina who has built a welcome center for aliens.  What a kind-hearted fellow — he just wants to make them feel at home!  Truly “heartwarming.”  It also reminds me a little bit of the family on Wife Swap last night.  They live on a farm, homeschool their kids, eat raw meat, and don’t believe in toothpaste.  The show did not touch on whether anyone was trying to build a rocket, but they were very concerned about the apocalypse, so it’s entirely possible that they have built some sort of vessel on which to escape.  They were also very “inspiring.”

Finally, let’s touch on some really stellar reality programming.  I’ve decided that some really great spin-offs would be new shows about Jo from The Real Housewives of Orange County and Spencer from The Hills.  I’m honestly not sure whether there have ever been reality television stars who are more repulsive than these two (and I consider myself kind of an expert).  They are really, really awful, but I would still totally tune in and watch all the terrible things they say and do (and get away with!) if further programming was offered.    

And I almost forgot… as we all know, poor Brit’s in rehab again.  It’s really almost too sad to discuss, don’t you think?  I saw a picture of her in rehab (on Perez), bald as can be, smoking a cigarette, and the voyeuristic, “I can’t believe her!” thrill was totally gone.  She just looks like a sad, lonely girl and my heart broke for her.  I felt sick.  Bless her.  I hope rehab takes this time.

UPDATE:  Did Britney check out of rehab again?!  If so, some Spears family members need to find her and do something!  Her dad had dinner with her the other night.  If he was close enough to her to have dinner, he was close enough to pick her up and physically carry her somewhere where she couldn’t leave.  

I’m beginning to think that what Caroline has said all along is true.  Maybe Justin is the only one who can save her.   

Where the hell are Britney Spears’ mama and daddy?   Girlfriend has now shaved her head bald.   And gotten more tattoos.   Who is helping her, and who is watching her babies?

 Actually, regarding the head thing, her weaves were looking so scary that she might look better this way.  Nothing is grosser than nasty extensions.

OMG.  I am not upset that Britney and Kevin are really, finally  for real getting a divorce.  I AM upset that I had to find out from Jake.  WTF?  Jake is scooping me on Britney gossip?  That is so wrong.