Redneck Revelation

It’s that ^&@#*& Time of the Year

Merry Christmas. OK, maybe not. If you are anything like me, you are all but merry during the Christmas rush. If I had to describe it correctly, it would be Grumpy Christmas.

I guess my big problem is that my birthday is Dec 31st. Besides the fact that that makes me a Capricorn, and Capricorns are grumpy, I feel -somehow- I have been getting the shaft for a long time.

It never really bugged me much as a kid. Down on the farm, I was used to not getting much , anyway. When it really began to bug me was the first time I had a girlfriend who stayed with me through her birthday and Christmas, but left me before she had to get me a birthday present. I do have to admit – I wish I had thought of it. (Which is why, when she came back to me,… Continue reading

The Moon Over The Hills

by Mike Beucler

Back in the country we like our privacy. In fact, we like it so much we find it offensive to see a plane go over head. But what is a country guy supposed to do about it? Simply moon them.

But what if you are a proper lady? You know you can’t go around mooning airplanes. There is only one thing you can do: show them your tits.

I guess it really didn’t start with a privacy thing. I suspect this reaction to airplanes and helicopters started when they outfitted the police planes with heat sensors and started flying over the area looking for pot. I am almost sure that is when the mooning started.

It doesn’t take long for a simple thing like that to get out of hand. It wasn’t long before – as soon as a plane was heard, and it was located in… Continue reading

Get me to the Church

by Mike Beucler

In a few days I will be married. And the best part is, it’s not to anyone in the family. I will be getting married to my long time sweetheart: Lori. Okay, three years really isn’t that  long, but when you are about to get married, you have to say that kind of thing or you’ll pay for it when the wedding is over.

Shortly after we started dating, we started living together. Seems she had some kind a fight with her Pa and he kicked her out of the house. He didn’t like her dating so soon after the divorce. If she would have just stayed home and taken care of her kids and cooked, everything would have all been OK.

When we started dating, I had just gotten back from Florida, where I left a job where I changed light-bulbs at night. My new… Continue reading

Bored Bored Bored Bored !!!

Have your kids ever told you that they were bored? Mine did that to me this past summer. After my parents divorce, the old farm became a big house surrounded by a big yard. Where once there where 100 animals to take care of, all that remained was broken farm equipment. But somehow I managed not to be bored.

There always seemed to be lots to do in the country. On a quiet summer night you could often here the sounds of young men learning that the stories of cows sleeping standing up were true. And on special nights you could sometimes hear young men learning that some cows are bulls believe that people tipping is a fun sport as well.

The woods also provided a great source of entertainment. We’d gather around, on dark moonless nights, telling the scary stories whe’d heard about these woods. After we had foolishly… Continue reading

Trick or Forget it

by Mike  Beucler

I got a old box of pictures from my mother the other day. I looked through them and found about a million Christmas pictures. As I looked through them, I realized I couldn’t remember the day at all. A little while later in the same box, I found one picture of Halloween. There I was beside my sister standing tall and proud. She in her Pocahontas robe and me in my Donald duck mask.

I remember it well. (Even then Disney characters wanted in on Pocahontas).

Growing up as a farm boy I didn’t have a lot of cash for costumes, but still I had a strong desire to dress up in great costumes and enjoy this great holiday. I can remember many costumes. I remember dressing up as r5d4 (one of the “lesser robots” from Star Wars) I remember dressing up as Scooby Doo. I… Continue reading

It’s Just a bug

by Mike Beucler

I have seen a good number of bugs growing up on the farm. I have walked through a field full of grasshoppers flying in every direction. You start to think of it as prerrt, or at least a pretty good place to get bait for fishing.

When we would get on my mom’s nerves she would send us out to pick ticks off the dogs. I have pulled my share of ticks off myself also, without a bit of worry in the world. When me and the little woman got together she found a tick on the kids one day and I spent two months convincing her the kids didn’t have Lyme disease. (It turned out they where just lazy.)

The kids found a caterpillar in the car last year. I think a caterpillar is a great bug. It is so different from all the rest. The… Continue reading

Good Kitty

by Mike Beucler

The other day I was sitting around in the house watching T.V. with the kids, when I heard this squeaking. It didn’t take long to realize I have heard the sound before. Growing up on a farm you get to hear a lot of noises. You can hear people talking a mile away sometimes- which can be real entertaining on a quiet summer night. Every sound takes on it’s own life and can be quickly placed. So it wasn’t hard to remember the sound of a small animal being caught by a cat.

Now I don’t want to get into the debate on which is better – a cat or a dog- but I have always liked cats. Dogs take a lot of work to keep them going, but cats seem to come ready-made for your life. The little woman says she likes to have a cat… Continue reading

RUN FOR IT!

I am not sure what most people consider “getting in trouble.” I met a few of my old friends the other day and we got to talking about the things we used to do. Now, I am sure you have heard things about how all kids get in trouble, but it seems to differ greatly when you get down in the hills.

We used to ride dirt-bikes through old strip-mine hills. Every time out we would extend the paths a little further. Sooner or later, we would find a new wide open place and start ridding there also. Without the forest around you ,it is really fun to open your bike up. But about one in ten of them places would only last a hour. We would be sitting around talking, getting ready to take off again and, BANG.

Now as a redneck you get used to the sound of… Continue reading